Honesty

I've wanted to write for awhile now. I'm still busting at the seams with things that I want to say but the words escape me. I find myself simply blathering about the things in my life I want back so frequently that even I'm sick of it but I can't help it. Part of who I am is uncompromising. It's the only thing that I can focus on right now; my persistent characteristics. Uncompromising, stubborn, logical, passionate, smart, sarcastic, open, kind, caring, and most of all I love to laugh. There are many more but these are the ones that pop out right now. All of who I am combines to form somebody with an inability to let go. Nobody really understands this part of me. I don't let go of things because I don't let things that are unimportant or meaningless into my life in the first place. An example: Several weeks ago I was out with some people from work (read people I don't know that well in the grand scheme of things). We went to a bar after work on a Friday and had some drinks. I ended up staying out with a guy that I work with. We were at the bar talking to a couple that he knew. He wandered off somewhere and I kept talking, which is never a good thing for me, especially at the level of intoxication that I had acquired. What I meant to convey was that I was really glad that they were so happy together because they were an unlikely couple that met in an unlikely manner. What I apparently did was insult both of them. I don't really remember what I said but they both snapped from friendly to angry instantaneously. In trying to explain myself I was only making things worse until the girl finally commanded me away. I complied but couldn't think of anything else as I wandered around the bar. I returned to the couple and she picked up berating where she had left off. For a small girl she had lots of fury on a rolling boil inside of herself. By the end of this round two the boyfriend had stood up and made it clear that I was not to return this time. I went away again but couldn't get it out of my head. The idea that they thought I was a bad person was worse to me than getting hit in the face, so I went back. Everything was eventually smoothed over and we parted ways amicably. It is important to me that I remain who I am, no matter what the cost. Most people agree with that statement but when they are truly challenged by life make compromises. That is not who I am nor who I want to be.

Shifting gears entirely, I feel like a fraud when I'm out and about. I don't want to be the cartoon rain cloud on people when I go out but putting on a happy face feels dishonest. I need to be social and interact with my friends more than ever right now and my phone won't be ringing off of the hook if I keep doing my Droopy Dog impression, but I feel as if everybody can see right through my facade. In being honest to myself it's hard to justify faking normalcy in an attempt to restore it. I haven't yet figured out how to reconcile this for myself.