Things I've Learned While Driving in California

I've lived in California for just shy of five months and have had quite a few adjustments to make since I moved.  Aside from the different culture of people and the cost of living, the biggest adjustment has been driving.  I've always considered myself a pretty savvy driver, being knowledgeable of traffic laws (and how to break them without getting busted), but there are a different set of rules when driving in California.  I have no idea why some of these things are the way that they are, but here are some things that every visitor or new resident should know about driving in California.

1. Traffic - By my best estimate, the road system in California was designed somewhere in the 60s-80s, when there were substantially fewer people here.  Additionally, the culture of California is style over substance.  Why would I share a car or use public transportation when I could show everybody the new Benz that I can afford if I skip my rent payment every other month?  These are numbers in an equation that adds up to stupid amounts of traffic, at all times, for no reason.  Do you want to go shopping on a Sunday at 3pm?  You may cruise along unimpeded and cover the ten miles in ten minutes.  Or it could take 45.  I was driving to LA one night to visit my girlfriend.  Friday night, 9pm.  Traffic was 5mph at best for about 45 minutes and I kept telling myself that there had to be some horrific accident.  I kept my head on a swivel looking for burning nuns frantically running around or random body parts scattered about BUT IT WAS A FUCKING TRUCK TIRE.  A two-foot piece of rubber standing on end had crippled tens of thousands of drivers.  Not an actual wheel/rim combo that fell off, your standard chunk of exploded tire.  I can't even think of a ridiculous metaphor for the rage and hate that went through my body.  It changed me.  In that moment I knew that I am superior to every Californian.  That is a fact.  A supporting piece of evidence for this is that...
2. Rain Shuts Down California - There's this myth that since it never really rains here and that there are so many cars, oil builds up on the freeway.  When it does rain the water beads on this oil and causes carmaggedon.  The reality is that real, actual rain causes power outages and landslides and the bullshit mist that they call rain causes the clueless shell people that reside here to play thirty-six car bumper cars.  And they do this even though they're only driving 22 miles an hour.  If any of these people actually saw real rain they would drown to death.  From their own feces that would fill up the inside of their car.
3. Traffic Lights - The light directly in front of your lane most likely has no bearing on what you are actually supposed to do.  There is a four lane road that leads toward my house that has an additional turn lane at a light.  Five total lanes.  There are two lights at this stop.  One light is in front of lane 4 (the left turn lane being lane 1) and the signal for the left turn lane is actually in between lanes 2 and 3.   My best guess here is that the state is too bankrupt to afford an acceptable number of traffic signals.  Even if they had one signal per lane it still wouldn't matter because...
4. There are Secret Lanes in California - I know it says Bike Lane, but that's really just code for Right Turn Lane.  That thing on the side of the highway for Bimmer's that run out of gas because the owner can't afford to keep the tank full?  That's not a shoulder, that's just an extra exit lane.  Anywhere a car can squeeze becomes a lane.
5. Speed Limits - ...don't matter.  If there's bad traffic, the speed limit becomes this mythical thing like a unicorn or a girl who actually wouldn't cheat on her husband with Brad Pitt, if given the opportunity.  If traffic is good, there are still too many cars for a cop to radar you in any manner that would hold up in court unless he's right behind you.  Motorcycle cops are a concern, but only because...
6. You Will Kill a Biker if You Drive Here - I've just accepted this fact.  California allows lane-splitting, which means that good people who are eagerly ready to volunteer (their organs) can drive their motorcycle on the dotted lines BETWEEN cars.  This will scare you shitless the first month or so that you drive here.  Putzing along at 38 mph in a 65 will have you frothing with hatred until you get blasted by motorcycle exhaust 3 inches from your open window.  You spend the next couple weeks paranoid, looking out for bikers when you're crawling to and from work, even trying to scoot over to give them more room.  Until one day you just accept fate, like a stage 4 cancer patient, and resume whipping back and forth between lanes to gain those extra 3 feet each time the tiniest of gaps appears.  One of these lane changes will eventually lead to a biker witnessing his own death in my rear view mirror, and I'm okay with that.
7. The Fast Lane is Not the Fast Lane - Everybody in California is original.  That's why they all dress alike, drive the same cars, and think that In-N-Out is better than any other fast food burger on the planet.  They all also think that the far left lane is the fast lane, which is why it isn't.  The second lane from the left is the fast lane well over 50% of the time.
8. Turn Signals - Aren't used.  This seems counter-intuitive because it is.  There are more cars here than 99% of places on the planet yet nobody feels compelled to tell the other motorists where they intend on going.  You do get used to it after awhile.  If it would be massively dangerous for that car in the right lane to cut in front of you with no warning, they almost certainly will.  They're not really concerned that they're going 45 and you're blasting along at 80 as this is a detail for you to work out and can't possibly affect their day at all.  While lanes are usually pretty clearly marked and there aren't as many people on their cell phones while driving, I still have that self preservation instinct that forces me to move my middle finger three inches every time I want to turn or change lanes.
9. Cell Phones Are Not Recommended While Driving - They're actually illegal, punishable by a minimum $325 fine, but it's more of a recommendation since all of the people that you don't WANT using a cell phone while driving still do.  Trophy wives, douchey business guys with slicked back hair, and high school girls still yack away while tailgating you and mysteriously looking to their left, but when I lived in Omaha it always infuriated me that roughly 75% of drivers had their talk box glued to their face at all times while operating a car.  The law knocks the number down to probably 25%, but that's still an improvement.
10. Road Rage Doesn't Really Happen - This is another one of the positives.  Everybody wants to get home as quickly as possible and be out of the awful Royal Rumble that is rush hour traffic, so when you nose your way in front of somebody shaving 2 more seconds off of your commute the person behind you reacts more to the tune of "Well played you wily bastard" than "I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FUCKING MURDER YOUR THIRD COUSIN!"
11. I'm getting bored with this, so I'll just lump these all together: You hate the fact that every day you see somebody, who is obviously a prick, driving your dream car; Toyota sells more Priuses here than anywhere in the world and the drivers do, indeed, sniff their own farts out of smugness; Carpool lanes are fantastic ideas that nobody uses because carpooling isn't very cool; and gas costs a dollar more per gallon here than anywhere else in the country, at all times.

I hope this has been informative.