Update

It's been quite awhile since I blogged, but quite a bit has happened. Virginia had several surprises for me for my birthday. One was a party at the Crescent Moon with a bunch of my friends from out of town. The next was a day off of work. The last was a skydiving excursion. All of it was awesome, except for the landing on the skydiving wherein I broke my ankle. I'll update more, but I've had surgery now and everything is fine. Virginia stayed around to take care of me while I've been crippled up, and she has been incredible. I'm going to miss her when she leaves tomorrow, but at least I get to see her in two weeks for her graduation. And at least I'll get to skip through the airport because I'm the bionic man now. I'll update more later.

Reading/Listening, Dog-Sitting, Stuff

Reading: The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger. I somehow made it through high school without having to read this book, and it's a shame. I initially picked it up to avoid having to tackle the monster poem that stumped me with Stevens, and I've really gotten into it. I don't have it with me at the moment, but I think that I'm around page 130, so I'm well over half done. I can't wait to finish it because even though the tension hasn't build much, I know that something big is going to happen in the next fifty pages. I can't wait. Salinger has absolutely perfected the tone of voice of his main character, and I'm incredibly jealous of the man. The funny thing is that I went to Borders to buy another book of his and came home with a George Saunders book (I forget the name and am too lazy to go to my bookshelf which is a whopping twenty feet away) and Silas Marner by George Eliot. Oh well, such is my fickleness.

Listening: Across the Sea by Weezer. The song is off the Pinkerton album, which most people don't like as much as the rest of Weezer's work. However, both the CD and this particular song never cease to surprise me. The premise of the song is hilarious and sweet all at once. Allegedly, an 18 year old Japanese girl wrote what I imagine is a typical fangirl letter. "Dear Rivers, I love you and want to know what your favorite food is and your favorite book and any hobbies you have and your hopes and dreams and etc, etc, etc." Rivers, instead of writing a letter back, wrote a song. However, I think the song itself is very romantic despite claiming otherwise ("I could never touch you/I think it would be wrong"), and specifically, it speaks to my current situation wherein I long for the touch of my loved one but she's way across the sea (the sea of states). Give this one a listen.

I watched my sister's dogs for a few days because she went to Las Vegas for her birthday. I had to sleep at her house because "the dogs have never spent a night alone since I've had them." Yeah, it's incredibly sad. Anyway, there were a few major downers, the biggest one being that the dogs are used to waking up every morning between 6:30-7:00am. I am not. Especially on weekends that I don't have to work. What WAS cool about it was getting a taste of what real life is like. I mean real life such as owning a house, having my own dog, weekends off; just generally acting like a domesticated adult male. I'm looking forward to it now.

I meant to blog more, and a lot has been running through my head lately, but the motivation just fell off about halfway through the previous paragraph. Sorry if it feels as half-assed as it was.

Motivation and Disappointment, Poker

I've been fairly proud of myself lately. I've been coming home from work and actually accomplishing things despite being drained. It's not that my job is physically tiring or mentally taxing, but it does it's best to suck the life out of me. Today, for instance. I took a phone call from an old lady who couldn't hear and wouldn't listen. I had to yell everything into the phone five or six times before she would get it. Everybody else thought it was funny as hell, I was hoping that her cat would die or she would break the urn that held her husband's ashes. Not because I dislike her, I didn't even know her, but because I deal with twenty different versions of her all day, every day, and each is equally as irritating. Anyway, despite dealing with this frustration from sunrise to moonrise I've been coming home and getting things done. I polished off another chapter in my real estate book last night, I've taken care of a few errands that I've been putting off, I'm even starting to make headway on my messy room and pile of laundry. All of these uppers and I was still really bummed when I talked to Virginia. She told me that she was going to go on vacation with her dad the first week of June rather than move here. I'm still not sure of the time table, but all I can focus on is that I've waited so long and been so patient, and now I have to wait some more. I can't seem to remember that she'll be here permanently when this is all done, I can only see that we will get one less week together before she starts the five years of hell that is residency. I'm also mad at myself for not having a better job that I can't just go with her and her dad. That thought opens the floodgates for a multitude of other thoughts as well. Hopefully this is a temporary feeling that will be gone in the morning because I realize that there are a million reasons why I shouldn't be bothered by any of this, but it did bother me and now I have to deal with it.

I suppose the above situation isn't helped by the fact that I'm getting throttled at poker tonight. It's one of those nights that happens, and I'm taking it pretty well, but it's sort of like a prostate exam; you only take it because you have to. I've dropped AK to QQ on an A-high flop when runner flush cards hit; I dropped KK to 33; I got set up with TT vs KK on an all under flop (but I got away from it without going broke), and I've been on the wrong end of a couple of running straight cards as well. I'm only down $10, which is 2 buy-ins, but I hate losing at these limits because I know I shouldn't. Like I said though, these nights happen and you just have to take them like a prostate exam; hold your breath and think of something cool, like a Ferrari.

Graphic, No Poker

So, I have this irrational fear that manifests a lot at work. I've always had it, but, well, I'll just get into it. I'm afraid that when I'm wiping my behind while wearing a long sleeve that I'm going to get poo on the cuff. I don't know how I think I'm going to accomplish this, nor have I ever done it, but I seriously worry about this. In my mind I can picture it happening and then me not noticing. Handing things to people as they cringe in that state where you want to tell the person but you don't want to embarrass them. I picture myself shaking hands with some poor unsuspecting sap, neither one of us knowing. And what do you do if something like that does occur? Do you ask to go home? "Hey boss, I accidentally got shit on my sleeve, I'll be back in a bit." I don't think you come back from something like that. I think you just stop showing up and everybody understands why. I don't think I'd hold that against somebody. These are the things I think about.

Reading/Listening, Poker

Reading: Too much. Haven't advanced in Stevens at all. I read about ten pages of Catcher in the Rye by Salinger, and I also bit off some more of my real estate book. In the grand scheme of things, I haven't made any headway on anything, but the Salinger looks like fun, and I don't see myself having a ton of motivation to read any time soon. Reason: I'm picking up a lot of overtime at work, and I really have no motivation to do anything except go to bed when I get home.

Listening: The Sound of Settling by Death Cab for Cutie. It seems to fit my life right now, or rather, where I want to steer away from. I have a lot of things going for me right now (Virginia), but that's the exact reason that I need to push forward with my life and not just let it happen. Grab the proverbial reigns. Whip the shit out of it. I DO actually have a hunger twisting my stomach into knots right now because I'm nowhere close to where I thought I would be at this point in my life, and I have a lot of things to prove to myself in the coming months. I know this is a little abstract, but I will get more specific in a short while.

I went to the casino a few nights ago to play poker. I lost the $150 I took to play with in about an hour. It was a very humbling experience. A year ago, I would've ran the table I was sitting at for about $600 or $700 because people were playing in obvious manners and had some obvious tells. I only realized this as I was driving home though. While I was at the table I was trying to avoid shitting my pants because I just wasn't used to playing live anymore. My hands were shaking like I was waist deep in ice water and the guy across the table from me could probably hear my heart pounding. I used to be a cool customer, now I'm just like everybody else. If I sat down and played every day for a few weeks, it would all come back. I immediately identified every place I screwed up when I was driving home; the minimum raise on a QTT flop, the darting look after a flop, the relaxed demeanor after a turn card made a hand, all of these things I was oblivious to in the moment. I felt like Michael Jordan must have in his last season; like things had passed him by and while the instincts were there, the spark was just gone. I went home after my beating and played microlimit poker until 3am to convince myself that I'm not as bad as I played. Since them I'm up like $30 in my tiny little online games with a roll of $161.70. It's funny that nearly a year ago I was trying to get out of a rut, and now I'm trying to get back in part of it. I want to play some poker nearly every day so I can shake the rust off and get the creaking, squealing machine back to life, but I don't want it to dominate my life like it used to. Good luck me.

Reading/Listening, Denver Airport, Difference, Poker

Reading: Still Stevens' poetry. I don't think I've advanced more than a page or two since my last post because I bought a Car and Driver that I've been reading nonstop and I've been pretty tired. Tackling poetry requires a certain amount of focus for me, and I haven't had that lately.

Listening: Change Your Mind by The Killers. This was several days ago, but I did listen to it on repeat until I was giving somebody else a ride in my car. I don't like other people to see my music OCD of repeating a song over and over and over. I don't have any great insight or commentary on this song, it was simply the song that I wanted to hear a little bit ago, so I listened to it repeatedly.

So, the story about the woman in the Denver airport. When I last flew to Vegas, I had a layover in Denver. I thought it would be perfect because I had an hour and a half between flights, so it would give me enough time to get off of my plane and roam around the airport for a bit. Denver is my second favorite airport only to O'Hare in Chicago. A lot of people hate those airports because of their size, but that's what I love about them. I don't know for sure, but I'd bet that you could find a French restaurant in Chicago. Wolfgang Puck has his restaurant in Denver. There are also tie shops, shoe stores. Anything you want, you can find it in Denver's airport. So, looking forward to wandering, I was pissed when the flight out of Omaha was delayed, causing me to have to rush to make my connection in Denver. I got off of the plane and hit the terminal frantically looking for a departure board. I saw one a few gates up and made a bee line. It was packed in front of the board, so I had to edge in on the right side. While I was scanning the monitors for my gate info, I noticed a small group of people to the right of the board. I took a few steps over so I could see what they were gathered around when I saw an elderly woman lying on the floor. Somebody was on top of her doing chest compressions, and two or three people, presumably her family members were watching close by. There was an empty wheelchair there that made me wonder if she had collapsed out of it or had been dragged out when somebody noticed she wasn't breathing. I looked up and down the terminal, expecting to see paramedics rushing to the old lady's aid, but there were just people trying to find their gates or their way out. I looked back to the group. The blonde lady doing chest compressions. The other lady with two teenage girls watching anxiously, stoically. A few feet away, one of the desk agents was on the phone. There was no urgency in her face. I looked around the gate and nobody seemed to notice that a woman lay dying. There were just people trying to make their flights. And then I was reminded that I too needed to make my flight. I started to turn my attention to the board even though I wanted to sprint down the terminal and find somebody who could help. The nagging voice of reality told me that I didn't have the first idea where to run, that somebody HAD to be on their way, and that I was going to miss my flight if I didn't move my ass. I made the conscious decision to stand there for a few more moments, looking at the ground. I felt like I still do when thinking about death; that the world should stop, just for a second. Despite our hustle and bustle and drive to get ahead, there are still moments when things should just stop because something is more important that our petty needs. I hope the old lady was ok. I'll never know.

I woke up this morning feeling like garbage. I went to sleep last night feeling like garbage. I've been sick and sleep-deprived, which probably contributes to this feeling, but this morning I had one of those "what's the point?" feelings. I went through everything that I might do today and realize that if I just disappeared from the map that nothing would really change. My job isn't dependent on me. Nothing is dependent on my job. People would miss me, but not for about a week or so. I didn't like the feeling that I could just disappear for a week before somebody (aside from my roommate) would notice. It's that same feeling I get when I know that a change is coming. We'll see what the change is and what it brings.

I've played a little poker over the past couple of days. I'm pretty much even. I won maybe $3 playing micro cash games, but I lost around $3.50 playing micro SnGs. There's not much to write about in these games because I play robot book poker. I do play quite a few hands though, because nobody knows what they're doing in these games and you can limp a lot of pots. No hero calls, no monster folds. If I have a good hand, I'll pay off a bigger one because there's no point in folding down here. I'll keep posting about my progress when I play.