2k, Uncomfortable, BE8, Poker Finally

The blog finally broke 2000 unique visits, which is pretty cool. I've had people from roughly twenty countries visit, as well as people from all over the United States. I still haven't received many random comments, but I remain hopeful that my little corner of the internet will attract a verbose random or two. Thanks to all of you who read regularly for remaining interested in my life. If nothing else, I hope you get a laugh or two. If you haven't had one for awhile, read the next section.

So...I went to get an STD test today. I've never been tested before and it is way overdue. No, I don't have any symptoms, but if you've ever read a health book they scare you with "some people never show symptoms..." After having done this, I understand why more people don't go. As you walk into the dingy, ill-lit clinic, you already feel like you're doing something seedy. Better lighting please. Then, you have to follow the signs that say "STD CLINIC -->" to the back of the building. How about "Clinic for Responsible People?" Or "Secret Lab?" I'm usually all for straight-forward language, but if you want more people to get tested regularly, maybe a little softening is in order. I get back to the room and there is a lady behind bulletproof glass with the tiny metal mesh hole to speak through and a covered slot that she can uncover to pass you paperwork. "I'm here to see if my penis is going to fall off!" I finally shouted through the little talk hole. I normally would've a higher level of privacy, but she had already yelled twice asking if I was there to get tested for venereal disease. Then I had to shout my name so she could check the appointment. Again, maybe some improvement is necessary to increase attendance. I filled out my paperwork and returned to the waiting area to think of every drunken mistake that I've made in my sexual history. Fortunately, it is a short list with only one or two cringe-worthy contestants. Then the process of disbelief started. By this I mean that nobody believed that I was just there to get tested. I can't blame them. I imagine that lots of people go in claiming to just need a test until they drop trow and give the doctor a face full of green weenie, but these people make it hard on the people who are ACTUALLY doing that. I heard "Are you sure there aren't any symptoms that you want us to check out?" probably fifteen times. One lady took me in a scary, small room that looked like a storage closet, replete with boxes of supplies, which also contained a metal privacy area that looked unpleasant. Fortunately, this room involved no genital showing, just an explanation of what I would be tested for and how they would test for it. They left out a part that I'll cover soon. Then, I was moved to a regular looking examine room where Linda, a pleasant middle-aged woman, proceeded to scare the bejesus out of me with more "symptomless" STDs and the knowledge that apparently 103% of the Omaha area population has chlamydia. Then she drew blood and asked if I had been "cultured" before. I responded that I'd never been to an opera but would like to go. This was not what she meant. A sad look came over her face, and then she said "The doctor will be right in to finish the exam." What this meant was that the doctor was about to come shove a cotton swab in my pee hole. When he entered the room, he asked if I had been tested before. I replied to the negative without taking my eye off of the too-large cotton swab. The following dialogue ensued:

D: "So you don't know what this is going to feel like?"
B: "No. But I have a wild imagination. I wish I didn't."
D: "Well, I'm about to take the imagination out of it. Please drop your drawers."
*removal of pants*
D: "Here goes."
*insertion of swab*
D: "You're taking that pretty well, most first timers would've bloodied my nose by now."
B: "It's not the worst thing I've ever felt. Ok, it's actually pretty terrible."
D: "Well, we're almost done and I'm impressed at how well you're handling it."
B: "Please don't talk to me right now."
D: "Deal."

To describe the sensation for men who haven't done this, it feels like getting a little, sharp, plastic cocktail sword jammed into your urethra. And it's on fire. To describe it for women, imagine getting a paper cut inside of your vagina. And then that paper cut bursts into flames. Then I was pretty much done with the exam. I was told that if I had something and needed treatment that I would hear back by Friday, that no news was good news, and that I should assume I have something and not have sex until Friday. I didn't even get a lollipop.

I still have the beard. My mom hates it. My dad hates it because I used it to get sweet vengeance on him (explained shortly). My sister hasn't said anything. I also have photos, which will be posted below this section. I'm used to the itchiness by now, but it's still not as full as I would like it. I'd really like it to come in thick enough that you couldn't see my face underneath it, but I don't know if it will ever get there. As for the vengeance: when I was younger, my dad would always mess with me by holding me down and rubbing his scruff on my cheeks. If you haven't had this done to you, it sucks because facial hair is closer to steel wool than hair. Anyway, we were at my sister's on Sunday and my dad and I act like little brothers most of the time. If we're sitting on a couch together, it won't be more than two minutes before one of us punches the other one in the leg and otherwise provokes a wrestling match. So this happened, as usual, and he got me in a really good wrist lock that had me screwed. Since he had my arm in so tight, it pulled me right on top of him, and I was quickly thinking of what I could do to get out of it without breaking my wrist when little devil Bret popped up on my shoulder and reminded me of the whisker rub. Oh yes, he cried uncle, exclaiming "Jeez, that thing feels like thumb tacks." Dad-38, Bret-2.



I played an HU match yesterday and tore it up. I played MiaLauren, who has improved quite a bit since I last played her probably two months ago, but she still has some work to do. I ended up busting her by getting her to call off her chips with A7 vs my J3dd on the river with a final board of 2d 3d 6x 7d Qx. I'm not totally sure that she called because she is loosening up (she drastically needed to last time I played her) or because she had notes on me specifically telling her to loosen up, but it was a much better match than my usual steam-rollings. I talked to Matt for a long time as well. He is back on his game and has rebuilt a nice little roll. I called him up to return a message from a day or two ago and we worked out a deal where he would back me to play a couple of the Bugsy's Championship Series events. This is a bad week for it because I'm fairly time-strapped preparing (cleaning) for Virginia's visit, but two tourneys shouldn't kill me. Hopefully I'll come up big and earn both of us a couple hundred bucks, but I'm not going to get overly confident. I'm playing a tourney both tomorrow and Wednesday, so check back for updates.