Introspective

Chelsea asked in response to my last blog if it was fair to say that poker was the #1 love of my life. I said that it is right now, but no matter what, I will always love it, and here's why. I went to the casino again tonight with Matt, and things started out very well. After about 2 hours, I was up nearly $300. I got wrapped up in a large pot and had to fold, but not before it cost me about $200. I stopped playing this game to play a tournament, but got busted out of it when I put all of my money in when I could only lose to 2 cards. At this point, I was pretty even monetarily, but I decided to play the game I was playing before again. When I sat back down, I saw the table very clearly. When I say this, I mean that I pretty much knew what each person had in every hand. You may be skeptical of this, and that's fine, but it really is true; you can know what somebody has even without seeing their cards. This would normally be a very profitable scenario for me, but for some reason I decided that I needed to lose. It wasn't a conscious decision, but I realize after looking back that this is exactly what I did. People would give little speeches or stare me down and I would know that not only was I beat, but that there was no way that they were going to fold, and I would shove a pile of chips into the pot anyway. I don't know why I did it, but it is why I love poker. I ended up losing $200 on the night, but I'm going to learn something priceless about myself when I eventually figure out why I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to win. When I do that, I will be able to spot when I'm about to do it or am doing it and stop it. Nothing else can teach me lessons like this. In scenarios in life, I maybe would've sabotaged myself for a promotion by saying something stupid to my boss or showing up late for work, but I could've blamed it on external factors. When I'm sitting above the felt, I am the only thing that I have control over. I can't control the cards, I can't totally control the other people, but I have total control over myself. If you choose to dive into the game of poker, you're choosing to tangle with all of your personal garbage and demons. I've got more, so I'll probably go back tomorrow.